Christmas perfection became my way of solidifying my American identity
For many immigrant kids like me, the holiday often feels like a far-off magical thing that can make our otherness go away if we immerse ourselves in it.
The start of December brings back memories of all the years I went above and beyond to celebrate Christmas as if it were the key to feeling like I truly belonged in America. It also reminds me of the moment when my kids thankfully shattered that illusion.
In 1979, when I was 8, my family left Iran because of the revolution, and I ended up rotating through various schools in France, England and Canada, always walking different halls with the same feeling: out of place, confused, desperate for connection. At home, I’d hide in my room from the sound of my stressed-out parents fighting. At 14, I was glad to get away when they suggested I go off to an all-girls Catholic boarding school in Monterey, California.
Year after year, I’d drive my husband and kids crazy with demands of matching holiday pajamas, hollering at everyone to get into the right poses and smiles for the Christmas card.
It would be the first time that my fascination with Christmas really took root. Throughout the decades, I’d cling to winter wonderlands I saw on television and the feeling of my first Christmas at my Catholic school. For many immigrant kids like me, the holiday often feels like a far-off magical thing that can make our otherness go away if we immerse ourselves in it. But what I discovered was no amount of Christmas sparkle could make this feeling disappear.
During my first year at the boarding school, the decorations started going up in early December. There were crimson poinsettias and glittering trees in the dorms and fresh wreaths throughout the school. We lit candles, held hands and sang “Oh Holy Night” and “Joy to the World” in goosebump-inducing harmony, our voices reverberating around the stained-glass-filled chapel. With Christmas songs continually playing in my room, I memorized the sweet words and catchy melodies, and watched holiday movies one after another. My favorite was “White Christmas” with Bing Crosby, which I still watch to this day. It had everything I associated with Christmas, this holiday I’d quickly fallen in love with: community, friendship, love, belonging and the best songs ever written.
Rating: 5