The importance of an ‘Yes Hour’ | Parenting News,The Indian Express
Or the subtle art of raising independent children
I often feel I am navigating a ridge, where it is tough to let go of any control lest we all fall down, yet being too controlling in today’s environment might just push the kids into seeking a life in social media, away from the safe space of the family. That is where my ‘yes-hour’ comes in. It is almost like beta testing for me. Every Thursday in our house we have a ‘yes-hour’ and the kids can get away with murder if that is what they want. I have said yes to the weirdest of things – we’ve allowed a feral cat at home, we have watched TV all day, we have bunked school, created pandemonium for the neighbours, and eaten ice-cream for dinner.
I started off with the philosophy that our generation was brought up in a box. A box that was dictated by the norms of then – in which respecting elders was critical and would earn the parents and the child a good reputation, where a career had to be forged in engineering, or medicine or accounting; ambition was sacred and it was defined by monetary success; and marriage was the most important final deliverable for the parents. This thinking and moulding was born out of a fear that unless the children (Generation X) were given these values and the boundaries that went with it, they would fail and be rejected. This thinking formed our boundaries to a stage that sometimes we do not even realise we are bound by that box and many of us would have suffered for it. My box was/is made of time-tables and deadlines, perhaps, that is why I need external motivation; it is made of every minute being used productively, so I cannot sit still. Fortunately for me, I am also encouraged to reflect often. I realised that I behaved in certain limiting patterns and that for personal growth I had to push the boundaries. But it is a struggle, because often oblivious to the strongly ingrained patterns, I do not even see the choice to push.
My parenting mission, therefore, is to build in my kids a sense of agency from a young age. I want them to know that you always have a choice and equally importantly, that you have to handle the consequences of your actions.
But but but, having no guardrails is not suitable for the younger ones – I have suffered. In a bid to let them hear and follow their inner voice, I have always tried to fulfil their wishes unless it was nearly impossible to. It doesn’t work, in the younger ones it leads to indiscipline and brattish behaviour and, in the older ones, a lack of direction. In a conversation with a senior educator in the life-skills space, he told me he had seen this trend of completely open approach to a child’s education and career – you can be anything you want to be, coming on the back of an upbringing that does not train children to make decisions — led to more confusion for the children. They knew and believed they could do anything, they just didn’t know how to find out what.
The ‘yes-hour’ fills that gap for me. I had originally intended to try out a yes-day, but my good mother reminded me that kids are smart and if you give them an inch, they will take a mile. So, to start off, I should only recommend a yes-hour AND that all requests expire within that hour, else I’d end up having them watch TV all day every day!
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